It never ceases to amaze me!! I consistently create all kinds of stories, scenes and events in my head! They show up when I am trying to move into something new. The old wounds are triggered. The false beliefs start to rear their ugly heads. As the darkness grows inside of me, I see it showing up in others. People are not doing or being what I want them to be! And they are fucken doing it on purpose to piss me off!! My world can start to spiral into depression. Numbing with food and alcohol is a safe place to reside. Porn is good too! I takes my mind off of other things for at least 2-5 minutes! The stories get louder…the universe is in on it too! What the fuck do you mean that I reap what I sow?! Fuck you! I do good things! I am a good person! I still don’t get what I want!! What the fuck!
Then I breathe….three deep freeing breaths. Sometimes I need to smudge with sage and sweet grass and ground myself. From that centered space I start to remember who I am. A perfect being of light and love. An individuation of the all there is. From this place I now see much more clearly. I see all the cycles that I have put myself through. Trials that are filled with self-doubt. Not being good enough, unworthy. The wheel of self-deprecation. The seemingly endless cycle of one false beliefs feeding another.
There is a light at the ends of the tunnel. And I am the holding it. I am the one who holds all my answers. I was born with everything I need to survive on this plane.
This new vantage point has allowed me to appreciate the gifts that each person provided for me. The gift of being a mirror for me. Mirroring back the precise thing I despised in myself. The precise thing I need to heal in myself. Hell that’s why there actions were so painful to begin with! In that moment of pain I would have pointed my finger and said “it’s your fault…”.
This has been my reoccurring message…for as long as I can remember. Now I see that I am at cause. I am not a victim of others, but of my own mind! At least I can make changes to reduce and/or eventually prevent that from happening in the future. I do have control over how I react to situations. My reaction in those challenging times define who I am. But now I am closing the gap. The gap between pain and pleasure. The gap between being caught in a story and freedom. The gap between living and dying a slow death. My awareness grows and my gap shortens with each “growth opportunity”. Yes that is what I call the pain now. A growth opportunity. Because, from my vantage point, the only real, sustainable growth came on the heels of some of my biggest life challenges.
So next time you are caught in the spiral…breathe, three deep belly breathes. And remember who you are. A perfect individuation of the all there is. A beautiful soul unlearning a lifetime of conditioning and have compassion with yourself. You are making this all up…why not co-create a more fulfilling story?