I have to admit that I feel very tired. Almost lethargic at times. This scares me. Scars me into believing something is wrong with me. I haven’t written, blogged or followed up on much of anything in the last few weeks. The voices in my head keep telling me I need to do something. I need to contribute to be worthy. I am confused. Confused because I do not know if those are my deepest needs or my father’s relentless voice of needing to do or be something more. Even as I write this I can feel the tightness in my stomach as my body processes these feelings of fear, sadness and gratitude.
Gratitude you say. Well that seems odd while feeling fear and sadness. I’m sure that was one of the first things that went through your mind. It did to me too as I wrote that last sentence. Gratitude? Yes gratitude. Gratitude for bringing me the awareness of these other feelings. Gratitude that, even from this space, I am still centered and not needing to fix it, numb it or fill it with other feelings elicited by immersing myself in outside stimuli. This was certainly a pattern of old.
That pattern consisted of filling my void with so many things outside of myself. Something I learned at a very young age. If I did not act or behave a certain way love, connection and value was withheld from me. I have struggled all my adult life with not doing the same things to others. Not withholding love when people did not act the way I thought they should. Where I levied the fine of my own wounds onto the outside world because I was not owning and healing my them.
I see this same thing play out in the school yard with kids. In the work place with adults. In the governments of the world. Where penalties are levied, sanctions are enacted and the threat of war is wielded. Sounds very much like a school yard at recess doesn’t it?! Where bullies do the same to the weaker kids. So they can get more of whatever they believe they do not have enough of. When one government wants something from another that it believes it does not have enough of. See how this same cycle is recreated in the world? See how governments continually take advantage of weaker nations or use threats get more of whatever it is they need more of?
What seems true for me is that there is an underlying wound that is being serviced when one country acts out against another. It is getting more of whatever we believe we do not have enough of and without it I will somehow not be enough. I will not be secure, safe, I may be vulnerable and/or scarred. Isn’t that the same core wound many of us share? The same fears? Is it not this same wound and fears that drive many to greatness and others to inflict unthinkable horrors on society? Would it not be an amazing place if we were all great, valued, honored and respected to be just who we are? Even if it meant perceived “bad” things occasionally occur? What I am speaking about is a new way of being. One where we are all truly created equal. A new belief system that holds the good of all humanity in how we treat the weakest of our brethren. It shows up in how we treat the mother, as in Mother Earth. How we work in harmony with her as we work in harmony with all the peoples of the world. So we all are free to be the grandest versions of the greatest vision we ever held about who we are. Call me crazy but was this not what Jesus spoke of? I do not know the bible that well. Nor do I wish to. But what I do believe is that Jesus’s message is not far off from what I just eluded to.
So how can you, in this moment, shift your thoughts to one of “how can I serve” how can I provide others with the best experience of who I am? Could you imagine the ripple effects as the pebble of your goodness reaches others and in turn that gift keeps flowing out to more and more? This is what Gandhi spoke of when he said “be the change you wish to see in the world”. Take this new way of being out into your Christmas celebrations and let if percolate into the New Year of your life and this planet. You are worth it. And so are all our neighbors.
May the Light of Love shine down on you all this Holiday Season and illuminate those dark places inside. And may your light illuminate the beauty of who every human being is to themselves and to the world at large. You are all needed and you are all valued in the eyes of the Creator.
Psst….You are the Creator….of your reality!
Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!